


why would you ever kiss me? (i'm not even half as pretty)

by matsuhanasss



Category: The Hollow (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, M/M, This is really sad, also wrote this at 3am in one sitting dont touch me im sensitive, have a fun time reading !, i cried while writing it bc i do b upset doe, it was about unrequited love and then it became something more
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:53:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24285403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matsuhanasss/pseuds/matsuhanasss
Summary: kai wants out.
Relationships: Adam/Kai (The Hollow)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 158





	why would you ever kiss me? (i'm not even half as pretty)

**Author's Note:**

> title is from heather by conan gray
> 
> wrote this and it became something more. hearts spilled on a page. i have some lighter stuff coming.

Kai knows it means nothing.

The little touches, soft and friendly, because that’s what they are. Friends. It didn’t matter the amount of times Adam let Kai borrow his jacket or the amount of times Adam tucked Kai into his side while they were walking—none of it ever meant anything. 

God, Kai wanted it to mean something so bad. 

Maybe it was his fault for catching feelings so fast for someone he knew was unattainable, but it was just so like him to do that. 

He floats in the ocean for a long time. The waves bob him up and down while he lays there and thinks and thinks and thinks. His face is red and sunburn by the time he drags himself back to the beach and wraps his towel around his shoulders. He stands there for a moment, like he’s waiting for something to happen. Waiting for Adam to knock some cheerfulness into him, but he’s not there. Kai is alone. 

He grabs his backpack and hops on his bike. He should bike home, but he doesn’t feel like going home. As if it is much of a home. What’s the point of home if you don’t even feel like it’s home? 

He ends up in a field. 

“Hey, Mira,” Kai starts. He’s on voicemail, “I know this is like crazy and you rarely ever listen to your voicemail, but I just wanted to tell you something. You’re probably like ‘Oh, Kai, why can’t you tell Adam?’ and that’s because this is about Adam, actually!”

Kai takes a breath and looks at the stars above him. “I’m in love with him. That feels like such a terrible thing to admit,” Kai laughs. “I mean, I know I stand no chance, none at all, he’s probably got his eye on someone else right now. But, you know, a part of me hopes. You’re not my therapist, I’m sorry. I’ll just tell you what the sky looks like instead.

“I’m in a field. Dunno where I am, just a field. It’s very green, surprisingly. Very tall grass. The sky is dark and the stars are dotting it—I think, maybe, if I looked hard enough I could find cancer. Or any of the constellations. The moon is so big. The moon is so big and I am so sad. God, sorry you had to listen to this, Mira, don’t worry about replying,” Kai says into the phone, pressing the end call button. He stands by his bike in front of the field just staring at the moon for a few minutes. He should go home. 

He really should tell Adam. His phone starts buzzing in his phone with an incoming call. It’s Mira.

“Tell him,” she says as soon as Kai picks up. “You need to tell him, Kai. You can’t let all these feelings fester.”

“Real bold of you to assume I have the guts for that,” Kai says, laughing. He feels his eyes begin to fill with tears. “It’s dumb, Mira. I’ll be over it soon enough, there’s no need to worry.” A tear slides down his cheek.

“Kai,” she says oh so softly. It tears something apart in Kai and he has to stifle a sob from over the phone. He knows Mira hears it anyway.

“Kai, hey, Kai,” she says, “it’s okay, hon. It’s gonna be okay.”

“Thanks.”

“It’s still not a bad idea to tell him.”

“I’ll think about it,” Kai says. He hears Mira sigh and he can see her pinching the bridge of her nose, even from over the phone. It makes him smile.

“Be safe, okay?” she says. Kai lets out an unintelligible “yeah” and gets back on his bike after hanging up. Mira is right, he should tell Adam, but he won’t. 

Doesn’t know if he ever will.

When he gets home, he powers his phone off and lays on his bed. His ceiling is decorated with glow in the dark stars, some of them peeling off from age. He doesn’t know why he still has them up there, even after so long, but he remembers the day he and his parents decorated the room with them. He was maybe seven, and he remembers his mom and dad actually getting along. He remembers his mom laughing and smiling, along with his dad as they stuck little fake stars to Kai’s ceiling.

Kai thinks it’s one of the best memories he has with his parents.

He thinks one of the reasons he can’t bring himself to tell Adam about any of this is because of them too, though. He’s scared even if there are mutual feelings (which there aren’t, Kai knows this), it’ll end up in flames like his parents' marriage. The only reason they’re still together is for him, but he wishes they’d get a divorce so fucking bad.

Kai just wants out, at this point.

He wants some way to leave this town, and maybe that makes him sound ungrateful because he has it way better than other people. He’s rich! Why would he ever want out? He’s got a trust fund and a promise to never work a day in his life—why would anyone ever want to leave that?

But he is so fucking lonely.

He’s scared of losing Adam, too—there’s another thing. When Kai gets the confirmation that his feelings aren’t mutual, Adam will just leave him because he won’t want to hang around the kid with a crush on him. He’ll think it’s weird. And Kai’s too scared of people leaving him, he’s practically become co-dependent of Adam, and that’s not a bad thing, but right now it’s not a good thing.

He wants out, he wants out, he wants out, _he wants out_.

Kai gets up from his bed, makes his way out of the house, and to the beach in the backyard. He sits in the sound, getting his joggers covered. His t-shirt ripples against his skin in the wind. He could walk into the ocean and stay there forever, he thinks. He stares at the moon, big and round and bright, staring down at him. 

The stars and her would be the only witnesses to the ocean cradling him in her arms. He’d spend hours in the ocean, drift off into the sea far away from here. But he stays on the beach, legs loosely crossed as he sits and stares at the moon. He can imagine Mira and Adam beside him, like they've spent so many nights before. 

If he tells Adam, maybe he’ll feel free. If he leaves this place, maybe he’ll feel free. 

If he did anything beside hide behind this stupid fucking facade—if he weren’t a coward—, if he didn’t feel like a burden, maybe he could feel free.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr [@bloodyknuckles](https://bloodyknuckles.tumblr.com)


End file.
